This One’s Deep

It’s been awhile since I’ve picked up the pen and let the words fall out. It’s been a whirlwind of a beautiful journey these last several months. I just got married and returned from an absolutely blissful honeymoon. The wedding was everything. The trip was incredible. And I am so grateful I was able to find pockets of stillness so I could lock in and align that spiritual lens.

I still hesitate in sharing this and feel a bit of that fear-based resistance, but felt the message come through strong while in Cabo. I am meant to shine a light on something very real. I am meant to start speaking up again.

I’ve been in full-on, deep-level, shake-you-to-your-core, textbook-style burnout.

I hit a wall about 2 years ago. My health began to deteriorate. My mind started to scatter and my memory squashed. My emotions became overwhelmed with fear and anxiety…with a little bit of depression.

How did I get here?

That could take a while to write out, so for the sake of brevity in a succinct blog piece…I will break it down into 2 words:

People-pleasing. Or is that one word?

I come from a narrative that love is earned, and it can be taken away if I don’t keep the peace and manage other’s emotions to ensure everyone is good. How do I maintain safety in the room around me through my effort? What if I say it this way? What if I said that wrong? If they’re upset, what could I do to make them happy? I constantly placed (and will still place) the state of my emotional wellness on the emotional state of those around me.

And it ripped me to shreds.

It took a toll on my self-esteem. It closed up my throat chakra like crazy. It impacted my ability to show up in my life as my authentic self. That’s tough to share being an owner of a treatment center with over 17 years clean, where daily services embody the essence of healing things just like this.  

I hit a new depth of a bottom in recovery.

But guess what. I am in a new era of healing.

Yes, I practice yoga regularly. Yes, I am a reiki master. Yes, I teach others about mindfulness. Yes, I work with a breathwork coach. Yes, I pray daily. And yes, I battle fear and lack of trust – way more than I care to admit.

In many ways, I have felt inadequate to share the things I love doing with all this holistic healing goodness. But I am realizing that this experience does not disqualify me. Shoot, it probably qualifies me even more, so that others (including healers) don’t feel alone.

The gift here, my strength in this – is the AWARENESS I’ve uncovered, the layer I’ve peeled back to expose in the light.

My healing is unfolding in microscopic glimmers. This stuff runs deep, like 7-year-old Julie deep. It isn’t going to get “all better” overnight. We call it a journey for a reason. Rationally, I know that I am powerless over your mood, your actions, your perspectives. My worth is inherent; it is not contingent on your opinions. Does my body believe that? Sometimes. My nervous system still wants to be regulated by stability in the room.

I read somewhere that the opposite of anxiety is trust. And I have learned that the only deep and perfect trust I can find, is in God. Nowhere else. I’ve looked everywhere else, and come up short every time.

So that’s where I am at. I’ve peeled back another layer. I’ve dug in a little deeper. I am on the continued journey of learning to feel safe in my body. And I am on the journey of looking vertically (not horizontally) for my trust in all things. In the times where I can do that, gosh that sense of peace is next-level powerful. So, I guess it’s pretty cool, when you dig up those murky and dense layers, it sure isn’t going to look (or feel) pretty. But, those pockets of peace feel even more liberating than before.

Now it’s time to lean into extending those glimmers of peace into vast and sunny skies.

It’s all magic – and I’m here for it.

With Love & Light,

Julie J.