How Free Do I Want to Be?
When I first got clean, I fell into that stinky, little trap that everything should be good now. Everything should fall into place and all will be smooth sailing from this moment forward. Did my life get better right after I stopped using heroin? Well yes, of course. My obsessions around drugs got quieter, I started to build friendships, I could sleep at night relatively peacefully. AND, I was faced with a lot of funk that felt really big to sit with. It became almost unbearable. And because all I have ever known was to seek comfort externally, I clung my nails into bulimia and relationships (which ended up abusive). 14 months later, I hit a wall. I thought to myself:
There’s gotta be more to recovery than this.
Unveiling the layers of the journey and digging deep, I started to dip my toes into a new concept: emotional sobriety. I had shown myself that without it, I could be stone-cold sober and still feel trapped inside my own skin. And I could very well run my life into the ground with drugs or alcohol.
I’ll be honest: I have spent many seasons in this in-between space. I wasn’t drinking, I wasn’t using—but I was still restless, irritable, and discontent. I’d beat myself up over every mistake, lie awake at night replaying conversations, wondering if people liked me, or if I had said the “wrong” thing. My body was clean, but my mind and my emotions were still sick.
That’s when I started asking myself the hard question: How free do I really want to be?
And trust me, I reflect on this question often as I compassionately take my ongoing inventory on how my ego and my disease creep back into play.
Unlocking Layers of Freedom
In that space of desperation…95 pounds soaking wet, teeth rotting, and in a nasty, abusive relationship, I remember throwing my hands up again (just like I did when I overdosed and lay in a cold, dark hospital room before getting clean).
When I left town to go into treatment for 3 months, I felt this new relief, this new surrender, and this new layer of freedom. I remember coming back to town and feeling like I could exhale even deeper.
The Work of Emotional Sobriety
The hard truth is, emotional sobriety takes work. It asks me to surrender my need to control everything, to stop blaming others for how I feel, and to face my fears instead of running from them. It asks me to be willing to grow—sometimes painfully—so I can become the person I was meant to be.
Do I still get it wrong? Absolutely. There are days I still want to run, days I still want to hide, days I still act out of fear instead of faith. But today, I catch myself faster. I apologize quicker. I choose forgiveness sooner. And every time I do, I feel another layer of freedom opening up inside of me.
How Free Do I Want to Be?
For me, the answer is simple: I want to be all the way free. Not just free from alcohol or drugs, but free from fear, free from resentment, free from insecurity and people-pleasing, free from the lies I used to believe about myself.
I want to be free enough to laugh at life’s little messes. Free enough to love people even when they don’t love me back. Free enough to move peacefully through my day when I know someone is mad at me. Free enough to wake up in the morning and feel at peace in my own skin.
Because the truth is, sobriety gave me my life back. But emotional sobriety? That gave me the freedom to actually live it.
So, if you’re on this journey too, I’ll ask you the same question I ask myself every day: How free do you want to be?
With Love & Light,
JJ
